Ahoy, film snobs. This is what you’ve been looking for. Here’s how this works: we don’t have to watch the movies to be able to comment on them, right? Right. This is what this section is for: we comment on the movies that are opening on a given week, before watching them. You’ll be surprised at how accurate our a priori assessments are.
- Next: Who would have thought that the best PKD adaptation ever would be this Nicolas Cage vehicle directed by Lee Tamahori. Nobody, that’s who.
- Fast Food Nation: The long-awaited sequel to Super Size Me. It is pretty much the same thing but without the funny guy.
- The Last Legion: Another take on the myth of King Arthur, this time based on some History books or whatever. Just like that lousy Clive Owen flick where Keira Knightley was an Amazon.
- Adama Meshuga’at / Sweet Mud: For those who didn’t figure it out yet, in this column we talk about movies opening in Brazil.
- O Homem Que Desafiou o Diabo: That’s why we sometimes have movies in strange languages. If you don’t care, just ignore it. All brazilian movies are like City of God anyway.
- Mr. Brooks: I’ll pretend I didn’t see it: Kevin Costner plays Dr. Jekyll opposite William Hurt’s Mr. Hyde, a well-to do serial killer slash Time Magazine’s man of the year. Blows every theory that serial killers are disturbed people out of the water: killing comes from affluence and runs in the family.
- Fido: I wish it were about a dog, like last week’s Airbud remake, but no. Takes off where Shaun of the Dead left off: what if zombies take over the role of mexicans in US society? Not much difference, it appears.
- The Messengers: Horror movie of the week, no reason to think it’s going to be either better or worse than the average, and I don’t feel even like writing about it.
- Lie With Me: Single girl meets single guy. Sex. Relationship. No humor. Sounds like every French film ever made.
- The Hoax: Richard Gere is Clifford Irving, the man who wrote Howard Hughes’ “autobiography.” Maybe this story was better told in F For Fake, but it didn’t have Gere or Alfred Molina being sexy.
- Rush Hour 3: It’s always comforting to know that there are real artists like Brett Ratner churning out lame threequels every week or so. Here’s your third opportunity to waste time with Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker! (Who is Chris Tucker?)
- Underdog: Last time I watched this, it was called Air Bud. This time the dog doesn’t play basketball, he’s Krypto. Yes, you remember, that’s Superboy’s dog from the comics!
- I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry: Two guys pretend to be gay to save on rent! Hilarious premise! This is why I watch movies.
- Cidade dos Homens: It may be sold overseas as “City of God – Part II”, but it is actually based on a cheap and not-so-interesting television series from Brazil.
- Disturbia: This Shia LaBeouf vehicle sounds like a bad remake of Rear Window… but is it? Better read our review.
- License to Wed: Robin Williams still thinks he can be funny in any role. This time he is a priest. Hilarity ensues.
- Come Early Morning: Ashley Judd can’t have a serious relationship, and somehow this is supposed to make a good movie.
- Ye Yan / The Banquet: Bardolatry blues. There are more remakes of Hamlet in China, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
- The Bourne Ultimatum: The James Bond of a new generation, according to Matt Damon: monogamous, guilt-ridden, and a nice guy overall. Someone you have home for dinner and play scrabble with.
- Bug: Is the “beast” William Friedkin redeemable? Is “Bug” a “The Fly” crossover? Is Ashley Judd going to take her clothes off?
- Alone, or Spirits 2: Pim and Ploy, two siamese twins in the latest Thai horror flick. Can’t miss it for the world.
- The Boss of It All: Lars Von Trier is so cynical he’s funny, or is it the other way around? Nobody’s operating the camera in this one, just our dear friend W. ROBOT.
- Santiago: FALTA DE IDÉIA ABSURDA
- A Pedra do Reino I e II: INCOMPREENSÍVEL
- The Simpsons Movie: The series lost its edge since other animators discovered the TRUE secret of humor: Star Wars + Family Guy.
- The Hitcher: Teen beast movie of the week or remake of the week? Sean Bean or Rutger Hauer? Sophia Bush or Jennifer Jason Leigh?
- Bubble: Another jewsploitation movie. Israeli soldier falls in love with a palestine refugee; homoerotic hardcore ensues.
- Time (Shi gan): Master genius Kinky Duck tells another tale of love and tragedy: girl cuts her hair and guy shaves his beard. THE END
- Encontro com Milton Santos: Interview with a geographer from the University of Sao Paulo. I knew this guy. I saw one of his lectures once. It was nice. He is dead now. Interesting, huhn?
- Três Irmãos de Sangue: another docu about some cool brazilian guys, the “Irmãos Brothers”. One of them was a very good cartoonist, but he is dead now too. SO MUCH DEATH THIS WEEK
- Blades of Glory: Will Ferrell and Napoleon Dynamite crossover and crossdressing.
- The Last Mimzy: I’ve seen this one before, it was called Batteries not Included, or Time Bandits, or E.T., or Toy Story, or…
- O Primo Basílio: Film theorist Daniel Filho puts his philosophy of cinema into practice with a movie of terrifying originality, with the 136th adaptation of Machado de Assis’ masterful, masterful novel. I mean, José de Alencar. Sorry, Eça de Queiroz.
- No Reservations: The brainiacs at Omelete said that this is a recycling of the groundbreaking, tremendously awesome German Simply Martha, and the only thing that saves it is little miss Abigail Breslin.
- Yacoubian Building: Egyptian epic (161 minutes). They say it lacks subtlety.
- Person: the Marina’s docu. I realize now why this was in Portuguese originally. I can’t make jokes in English.
- O Fim do Sem Fim: No documentário de Beto Magalhães, Cao Guimarães e Lucas Bambozzi o foco central é o eminente desaparecimento de certos ofícios e profissões no Brasil., retratando a inventividade e resistência do brasileiro diante das mudanças tecnológicas e culturais.
- Live Free or Die Hard, aka Die Hard 4.0: Mental age: 4.0
- Evan Almighty: If there’s a purpose here, it’s to show that God really enjoys testing people needlessly.
- As Leis de Família: A Brazilian movie, only made in Argentina.
- Comedy of Power: New (i.e. two years old) Claude Chabrol flick with Isabelle Huppert, probably the best of the week, but like any other Chabrol, boring and with no substance.
- O Último Bandoneón: For fan posers of Peter Gutter and vallenato. “The Tango says more than the history,” remember.
- Princesa: Brazilian distributors: please release more Italian movies made in 2001.
- O Dono do Mar: It’s not only Italians and French movies that have 2-plus years delays. This is a Brazilian movie made in 2005. Way to go, limbo.
- Duro de Matar 4.0: Idade mental: 4.0
- A Volta do Todo Poderoso: Se tem algum sentido é pra mostrar que Deus gosta mesmo é de pregar peças e testar seus fiéis.
- As Leis de Família: Filme nacional, só que feito na Argentina.
- Comédia do Poder: Novo (quer dizer, já tem dois anos) do Claude Chabrol com Isabelle Huppert, de longe o melhor do mês, mas provavelmente sem nenhuma substância e igual a todos os outros Chabróis.
- O Último Bandoneón: Pra fan poser de tango, vide Pedro Boeira.
- Princesa: Por favor, distruidoras brasileiras, gostaríamos de ver mais filmes italianos feitos em 2001.
- O Dono do Mar: Não são só os italianos e os franceses que sofrem de atrasos absurdos, esse é um nacional de 2005.
- Bobby: Filme sobre assassinato do menos interessante dos Kennedys, seguindo a trajetória de 22 personagens no dia de sua morte, mas o próprio Bobby nem dá as caras. Dirigido por Emilio Estevez.
- Quebra de Confiança: Agentes do FBI, traições e tramóias se mesclam em mais um veículo de Laura Linney.
- Luzes do Além: Assista se você (a) é espírita; (b) adora continuações de filmes imbecis a la Efeito Borboleta 2; (c) tem idade mental de 14 anos.
- O Ex-Namorado da Minha Mulher: O novo do Zach Braff em seu melhor momento de emulação de Adam Sandler.
- CONCEIÇÃO – Autor bom é autor morto: É, igual cineasta brasileiro.
- Transformers: Carros-robô de outro planeta invadem a Terra. Dirigido por Michael Bay. Pronto, te economizei o ingresso.
- Baila Comigo: O melhor da semana, mas só porque tem a Marisa Tomei e talvez músicas do Giorgio Moroder.
- Em Busca da Vida: Um filme que fala de TUDO. Vida é tudo.
- Ela é a Poderosa: YAWN
- Saneamento Básico – O Filme: YAWN
- Harry Potter e a Ordem da Fênix: depois de quatro filmes, ainda tem história?
- Ratatouille: nome impronunciável. Good move.
- Transformers: Robôs-carros de outro planeta invadem a terra. Dirigido por Michael Bay. Pronto, te economizei o ingresso.
- Novo do Resnais: yawn
This tradition goes back a long time:
- Harry Potter e a Pedra Filosofal: Será que esse filme tem algo a ver com Indiana-Jones and the Fate of Atlantis? COM CERTEZA!
- Réquiem para um Sonho: Uma viagem ao mundo das drogas, mas sem as risadas com Dr. Gonzo.
- Lavoura Arcaica: Um filme nacional que ameaça ser bom, mas com certeza é uma merda como todos os outros.
- Plata Queimada: Já não basta filme nacional? Agora tem que ter argentino?
- Feliz Coincidência: Gomer Pyle vem do futuro para estrelar em sci-fi romântico (gênero mais sem sentido que existe).